but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
i need some magic done to my vagina
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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