I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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