he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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