He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
we're so committed to being not committed
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
