if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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