I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
