Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
