Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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