new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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