When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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