I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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