I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Be still, my beating vagina.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
