Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
