I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
