My balls are so social today.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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