I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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