Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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