On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
