My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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