I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
