she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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