Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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