I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
