I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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