There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
