Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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