i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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