i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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