Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
