have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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