I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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