So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
