The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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