i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My liver just had a heart attack.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
