just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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