i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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