it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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