The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
