Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
