I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Randomize
