An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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