im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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