You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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