How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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