I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
