I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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