Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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