evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
