1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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