took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
