he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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