Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize