u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
