So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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