this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
