I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Randomize
