I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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